"So how was your year abroad?"

“You studied in Paris?! That must have been amazing! How was it?”

It’s a question I used to dread. Even now, almost two years later, I find it difficult to answer.

I know what they’re thinking. They’re remembering  every weekend away in Paris, every idealised depiction in literature and every film starring the City of Love and then projecting all those expectations onto my year abroad. The result? Study abroad seems like a year-long, 24/7 holiday paid for by the European Union.

Funnily enough, I’ve had similar conversations in Paris.

“You study in London? That must be amazing! How is it?”

Most of the people who assume my year in Paris was amazing would be surprised to hear that same assumption being made about London.

I’ve enjoyed my time in London, but sadly my small flat bears little resemblance to the Victorian grandeur of 221B Baker Street. No, while I like lots of things about London, it is not the London of films and books and games of Monopoly. And even the good things about London don’t make the bad things in life any better. I loved my time in university. But not once, even in the height of dissertation season, was it a source of comfort that I lived near the Queen.

“How was it?”

My stock answer is as truthful as I can manage in just one short sentence.

“To be honest, I prefer London to Paris.”

I think it’s difficult for a lot of people to admit that they found the experience was underwhelming. Perhaps it’s even more difficult in the age of Instagram, where we see each unique experience shared with everyone else. It seems ungrateful not to enjoy something that everyone else assumes they would love to do themselves.

There are even higher expectations for those of us who are language students. We are meant to relish cultural immersion. We are told to ‘make the most of the experience.’ We are expected to be confident about our linguistic skills, completely unafraid to make mistakes. And this should be easy because we are of course love the language and culture that we study.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but by these standards, I was a terrible French student. Not in terms of my language ability (although there’s room for improvement there), but because I studied for mainly practical reasons. I love languages, but I only like French. Though are many things that I enjoy about France’s history and culture, I think there are more beautiful languages than French. I studied French because it was a useful language to learn before going into international development.

But I know I’m not the only one to find their year abroad hard. I recently received a one-line Facebook message: “You were right about study abroad.” Another friend said she cried down the phoneline to her friends and family. Even the most confident and extraverted person I know told me there were times when he wondered why he wasn’t enjoying studying abroad.

Of course, there will be people who love the experience. There was also be people who find it hard at first but then find it gets better. That confident and extraverted friend of mine found the second semester much easier.

I’m not trying to discourage anyone from doing study abroad. If you are thinking about doing it, don’t panic. It might be the best year of your life. But it might not be and there’s nothing wrong with that.

As study abroad experiences go, I know mine could have been a lot worse. Academically, the year was fine. It turned that I really was able to make sense of 2-hour lectures in French. Although I lacked close friends in Paris, I did have one or two friends. There were things that I genuinely liked about Paris. And I ended up enjoying my second semester much more than the first. But it was difficult for a lot of reasons.

I ended up living alone in Paris. As an introvert, I assumed that that wouldn’t pose a problem. But it is not easy to live by yourself in a different country.

Unsurprisingly, I struggled with loneliness and homesickness in Paris.

When John Lewis’ Christmas advert was released that year, it was all about loneliness. I remember reading a piece in the Guardian about loneliness amongst young people. It was a painful read. It was just too close to home.

The truth was that I missed my friends in the UK and I found it difficult to develop meaningful friendships in Paris. I made a lot of acquaintances but very few friends.

I began to withdraw during my first term. It’s true I still saw people. I still met up occasionally with my course mates from London. I loved going to the debating society. I always looked forward to my weekly English-language Bible study. Despite all that, my social life felt incomplete.

Sundays were particularly hard. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, when I think of my Sundays in Paris, I think of silence. 

Sunday, for me, isn’t usually quiet. It’s the day when I go to church. But that changed during my few months of my year abroad.

As the first term wore on, I went to church less and less. It was never a conscious decision. My faith remained as important to me as ever, perhaps even more so. But when Sunday morning came, it was so easy for me just to stay at home, even when it meant not seeing anybody else that day. In fact, I dreaded the small talk in French that would follow the evening service. Not for the first time, I felt that everyone I met was judging me for my poor level of French.  But that wasn’t the only reason I wasn’t really going to church anymore. To be honest, I still don’t know why it was so hard for me to go to church.

I first realised something was wrong when someone from the church introduced me as an ‘irregular attendee’. The words came as a surprise. I’ve been a Christian since the age of 14. Both my parents are Christians, so I’ve literally been going to church since before I was born. It was a big thing that that when I stopped going every Sunday, particularly as it was there that I had I made most of my close friends the UK.  I ended up moving church. It helped, but I still never really felt settled there.

It’s difficult, in a way, to separate homesickness and loneliness. Was I homesick because I missed my friends in the UK? Or did I miss the UK itself? It’s probably a mixture of both. Whatever it was, it meant that I really didn’t feel like immersing myself in the culture. Rather than frequenting authentic Parisian cafés, I loved going to Starbucks and Costa on the weekend. Not that I particularly like Starbucks coffee. But going there reminded me of home, even if Starbucks is an American company.

As well as struggling with loneliness and homesickness, I felt left behind when I was in France. Having started university a year later than most people, I had already seen most of my school friends beginning their careers before me. The same thing happened when I was in Paris. While I was stuck doing something I didn’t particularly enjoy, everyone else was getting ready to start a new chapter in their lives. They were going places. I was not.  Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side.  they probably thought I was having the time of my life.

I felt it most when I came back to visit my university friends. Coming back for a few days was a major event for me, but it seemed like less of a big deal for everyone else, even if they were happy to see me.

It’s difficult to put my finger on some of the problems I had during my year abroad. Some things became more stressful for me. I’m generally a very laid-back person. But in Paris, the things that I could have coped with in the UK stressed me out. I never applied, for example, for the French equivalent of the Oyster card. It would have saved me money, but it was just another thing to do. 

Similarly, I never finished my application for the student housing benefit. I dreaded having a phone conversation with an official in French, despite being perfectly capable of doing so.

I hope this doesn’t sound overly dramatic. Even as I write this, I keep remembering things about my year abroad that I did like. But I know that even if it wasn’t like this all the time, it was like this a lot of the time.

Again, I’m not writing this to put anyone off studying abroad. Despite everything I’ve written, I’m still open to the idea. I’ve even applied for a few jobs in other countries. I feel better prepared to live abroad now that I’ve already done it once

No, I’m writing this because I want people to know that study abroad might be different to what you expect. It may be the time of your life, but it might not be.  I think it’s disgraceful that we send thousands of students, including many with mental health problems, to spend a year in a foreign country without being honest with them about that can be like.

More than that though, I’m writing this for those of you who will never study abroad. It’s important that you realise that what study abroad is like for some people. Your support and understanding could make all the difference.

Usually, at this point in a blog, I’d end with a stirring call for socialist resistance in the face of capitalist oppression. Sadly, that seems a bit out of place here, so I’d end instead with some advice about study abroad.

If you’re the person who’s going to study abroad:

• ·        Don’t panic. I’m not trying to scare you. You may love study abroad. You may hate it. Just realise that you there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t enjoy it.
• ·         Live with somebody else if you can. You will appreciate having at least one person to speak to if you are finding it difficult to make friends. Don’t feel that you have to live with someone from the country you’re living in. There may be times when you want to speak with someone without having to think about irregular verbs.
• ·         Don’t worry about making mistakes. You’re not in the classroom anymore. You’re not being examined. People just want to understand what you’re trying to say.
• ·         If you’re a Christian, carry on going to church. Don’t feel guilty about going to an English-language church if you think that means you’re more likely to go. Your mental and spiritual wellbeing is more important than your ability to speak another language.

If you meet or are friend with somebody who is studying abroad:

• ·         Don’t assume that someone is having a good or a bad year, not even if you enjoyed studying abroad yourself. If you tell someone that they’re having a wonderful time before asking them how they are finding it, they will probably be less honest in their answer. You might even make them feel guilty for not enjoying their year abroad.
• ·         Remember that bad things can happen in picturesque places. Terrible things like illness, depression and sexual assault can happen anywhere in the world. If somebody has been through that on their year abroad, they’ll have enough to deal with without you telling them that they should have enjoyed their year abroad.
• ·        Make time for them. I feel indebted to the people who made the time to skype me to see how I was doing. You may be stressed or going through things yourself, but your friends in foreign countries might be as well. And they might have to deal with that alone.
•       If you’re a Christian, ask them what they need prayer for. And then pray for them.